In my capacity as a social skills coach, I see a lot of people struggle with the same humps and bumps.
One of the most important humps that I help people overcome is their need to try to appeal to everyone socially-essentially being a people pleaser and being friends with everyone.
If this is your personal philosophy, odds are that you aren’t happy and comfortable enough with yourself to have the confidence that people will accept you for who you really are… and you might never be truly happy because you’ll be constantly seeking validation and approval from others.
Unfortunately, this thinking highly affects how we relate and interact with each other. People feel that they have to say certain things and act a certain way to be accepted and appreciated.
The truth is that if you try to please everyone, you will become amazingly forgettable. Lukewarm. Blank. Just “nice.”
You’ll at best connect on an “adequate friend” level with everyone, and that’s not a title that I consider favorable or impressive. Additionally, the “adequate friend” connections you make will rarely turn into real friendships, and instead remain stuck in acquaintance mode.
Instead, live with integrity to your true, unapologetic self. You may not reach the “adequate friend” level of connection with everyone, but you allow yourself the possibility for “new best friend” connections, with scattered “we will never talk again” connections. You may be slightly polarizing, but the reality is in any type of social setting, you’re bound to turn off certain people. That means others are bound to love who you truly are and why wouldn’t you want to surround yourself with those people?
Even if you end up alienating 90% of the people you come across… why surround yourself with those who don’t like your true self? What end does that serve? Why hang around others if they don’t really like you, and you have to become a sanitized or false version of yourself to fit in with them?
If you can live with and embrace this fact, you’re halfway there to being comfortable in your own skin.
When people look at you, they get what they see. You never say things you don’t mean, you don’t lie to people, you don’t put on an act, you don’t do things to impress people… you don’t do any of that.
One way to look at it is to play to win in terms of making real friends.
By being unapologetically you, you filter for your real friends. Real friends will love you and accept you for who you are, not because of somebody you pretend to be. Real friends know that you love what you love and you hate what you hate, and either agree or accept it readily. Real friends appreciate you for who you are, warts and all. These are people who look at your weaknesses and fall in love with you.
Don’t just play the friendship game to mitigate losses in terms of making friends by being a generically nice version of yourself to everyone. By playing a percentage game and putting on an act so you can make the most friends, you lose touch of who you really are and will eventually gain a wide circle of mere acquaintances. That’s no way to go through life.
Personal authenticity is the key to acceptance by others and a well-lived life. If you’re not authentic with yourself, you really can’t be authentic with other people.
Don’t try to always impress other people. Don’t try to put on a show. Don’t put others on a pedestal. Who cares what they want?
Focus on what’s important to you, project that, and find your tribe instantly.
