The first time I gave a big talk, I was a teenager and anxious as hell.
The auditorium was somewhere I had never been before, I couldn’t find the bathroom beforehand, and I got lost on the way there.
I always think back to that day and imagine how I would have improved the performance. The answer is crystal clear.
Just as the article title says, familiarity breeds social comfort. When you know the situation, location, and overall setting of an upcoming social situation, it’s inevitable that you’ll be exponentially more comfortable and socially fluent as a result of increased predictability.
So what could I have done specifically to help my speech?
I should have gone to the optional sound check so I wouldn’t have had to fumble around with the microphone, the podium, and hearing my voice reverberate off the walls of that big auditorium.
I should have made sure that my driving directions were spot on and that there would be parking. I should have checked out the venue and taken notice of where the bathrooms were, where I was going to be waiting backstage, and where my friends and parents were going to be sitting.
So much of social fluency, and indeed social skills at large, depend on thinking quickly on your feet and sometimes pulling things out of thin air. It’s not always easy, can be hit or miss, and reminds one of improve comedy.
If you’re going to give a speech somewhere you haven’t given a speech before, it can be a very stressful situation. This is especially true when you feel that you’re not really a good speaker, or public speaking scares you.
But if you can eliminate a source of social anxiety right off the bat by preparing and familiarizing yourself beforehand, that’s just the smart and optimal way to be socially fluent.
It takes the worry out of any elements that you are unfamiliar with, and makes things mostly predictable and within your control. This allows you to focus all of your efforts and mental bandwidth on the task at home, whether it’s a tough speech or simply making new friends.
The more familiar you are, the more comfortable you get.
There’s a deeper element to familiarity as well.
When you are taking a run-through of your social situation, take notice of the emotional state that you are in. There’s no pressure, no anxiety, and you feel only excitement and confidence at the upcoming social situation. You’re calm and comfortable.
Remember that feeling when you’re about to enter the fray and think back to that emotional anchor. You can always have this emotional haven that you can reference and you can draw strength from.
This whole chapter is to explain a simple truth that everyone has definitely felt before in their lives.
You’ve probably got your normal neighborhood hangouts that you patronize frequently. You know who the players are, the staff recognizes you, you know the management practices, and that one trick to opening the bathroom door.
You feel like a king there because you are an insider and know the place inside and out. You’re super comfortable talking to new people there, because you feel like you have the upper hand and that they are outsiders.
Why not try to emulate this feeling in every setting that you are in? It’s hard to feel intimidated and lack social fluency when you’re in your proverbial backyard.
Draw confidence from your familiarity, and let that confidence be reflected in your approach to people. You’ll see how easy it is to begin a conversation, be likeable, work a room… and the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to flex your social muscles.
