Now you’re out in public. You’ve been projecting and noticing great body language. You’ve either approached somebody, or they’ve approached you. Now, what? You’ve got to talk to them! Don’t worry, it’s easy, we humans have been throwing word salad at each other for thousands of years!
Starting Conversations
First, you’ve got to introduce yourself. Easy, right? “Hi, my name’s Jake,” stick out your hand. Some people like to ask “what’s yours?” at the end, somebody people don’t. Believe it or not, many people who look confident and outgoing are actually pretty shy on the inside. If you skip the “what’s yours?” at the end, they might feel a bit pressured. Which brings us to the number one rule of having a conversation with anybody: Make It Easy on Them! A good way to ease into a conversation is to offer up a “pacing statement.” This is any statement that merely says something that is true about the situation. The purpose of this is not to dazzle them with your wit or generate any kind of emotional response. It’s to start the conversation in the easiest way possible. The reason you say something about the environment that is true is that it is very easy to agree with. The band is loud. There are a lot of people here. If you make a comment, like “This band is terrible,” they may disagree with you, and you’re off to a bad start! Just say something simple, and pay close attention to how they respond. Pay attention to how their body language changes, if at all. If they don’t turn away from you, or become more closed off, you’re in good shape. Introduce yourself and give them the choice of whether or not they want to reciprocate with their name.
How to Measure and Practice
This one’s easy! Give yourself one point or every person that you gave your name to. Give yourself two points for every person who reciprocated. You might consider getting some personal business cards printed. They’re pretty cheap, and a lot of people have them, either for personal or business reasons. It doesn’t matter if you’re networking, trying to meet your future spouse, or simply just out making friends. You never know when having a professional looking card with your name and contact information will be helpful.
Exchanging Information
No, not that information! Just simple information about yourself. What you’re doing there. What you think about the food, or the ceremony or the crazy bartender with purple hair. Remember: make it easy on them, not hard. You want them to want more of you, not to want you to go away. Especially if you’re just practicing, it’s better to go slower, rather than faster. Ideally, you want to leave every interaction with other people with the same thought: “Wow, that was pretty easy! I could have done more!” To begin, consider sharing your thoughts on the present circumstances. What you think about the food, what you think about the way the bartender shakes the drinks. You can measure how well a conversational partner is enjoying the conversation by how long their answers are. If they give simple yes or no answers, or just nod their head without any facial expressions, it may be time to move on. But if they reciprocate with their own opinions, you can keep things going further.
How to Measure and Practice
Simply keep a record of the people you’ve met. Write down who you met, and what the circumstances were, and what information you got about them and their opinions from the conversation. This is where daily journaling can come in very handy. In addition, to writing down the information, you actually received, write down any other questions you could have asked that might seem appropriate. Doing this will help you to remember for the next conversation. This way, each conversation can be practice and a learning experience all in one.
Keeping the Conversation Going
The general flow of conversational details, ideally, is from pure data to opinions to plans and dreams. You start talking about where you’re from, where you work, etc. Then you start talking about your opinions on safe topics like the current situation. Then you can start talking about your career plans, school plans, or hobby plans. If you or they aren’t working, then talk about your hobbies or your family. The best rule of thumb is to always go first. Say your name first, and if they say theirs, that means they want to continue. Say your job first, and if they say theirs, they want to continue. Talk about your family first and if they talk about theirs, they want to continue. Once they’ve held up their end a few times, you can start going back and forth, meaning you can start asking them questions before you given your own answers. Just be careful not to ask any questions that you yourself are not fully prepared to answer in complete detail. Also, be careful if you ask a question and then don’t seem comfortable answering. If this happens, just start giving your own answer. For example, if you ask what career they’d like, and they don’t seem sure, don’t press the issue. Start talking about your own career aspirations. Remember, you want to avoid making them feel put on the spot at all costs.
How to Measure and Practice
Again, journaling is perfect for this. In addition to the things that went well, write down the things that you did that didn’t work so well. You can’t control others, so don’t write down that they didn’t laugh at your joke as a negative event. But you can think of other things you could have said, or questions that you asked that in retrospect may have been a little too personal. Once you get into more complicated conversations, the following format is very helpful:
- What I Did
- What Happened (Good)
- What Happened (Bad)
- What I Could Have Done Instead
Then take some time visualizing the things that you could have done differently. The more effort you put into this exercise, the more rapidly you’ll improve your success. Now, this may seem like quite a lot of work, and it is. But consider how much more socially confident and outgoing you’ll be in six months if you do this exercise on a daily basis! No matter what your goals, dreams, and aspirations are, having a strong set of social and communication skills will help, and make the path so much more enjoyable.
