Clubs are notoriously difficult and uncomfortable environments for most people. It’s loud, people are stumbling around drunk, and you can’t hope to have any kind of conversation there. (Or maybe I’m just not 21 years old anymore…)
Yet we all have friends that love club-hopping and seem to thrive in that environment. Hell, you can probably throw them into any kind of social situation, and they’ll instantly adjust their fluency to fit in perfectly each time.
I’d bet the house that if you asked this person what their secret is, they’d tell you that it’s a conscious choice and mindset they make to be social. It’s not something that’s always on. It’s not something that is in effect by default. It’s something that they consciously choose. And they can turn it on and off whenever they want.
How?
When you choose to physically act in a socially fluent manner, your mind will follow your decision.
Your external physical actions will inform your mental state of mind.
It’s the phenomenon of the attribution theory that is so well studied in human psychology. By simply going through the physical motions of something, your mind will mentally note that you are okay with it… and when you accomplish a social victory, it will mentally note that you excel at it. And that’s how confidence grows.
So focusing on simply acting, regardless of your fears, will trigger internal changes over a short period of time to enhance your social fluency. All we can control as humans are our actions and reactions. You might have a lot of doubt and conflict about your fears, but if you resolve to just go through the motions and process, the results you see externally will translate to your mindset and confidence.
Now that we’ve established that external action is a necessary precursor for the internal changes… what are the external actions we should master to effect that improvement?
Just stand up straight.
When you look into any social setting or crowd, you will notice that there are certain people that carry themselves a certain way… and it’s easy to spot them because of their powerful and confident posture. They’re standing at attention with their arms loose at their sides in a position of power.
Don’t shrink down into yourself and hunch your shoulders, while retracting your chest. We all know that’s a universal signal for discomfort and anxiety.
Put your chin up, puff your chest out, and hold your arms behind you. This is going to feel unnatural and like you’re showing off your cleavage at first, but take a look in the mirror and look at how much better you look instantly just by standing up straight.
Deep down those people that stand out in crowds – they might be amazingly unconfident or insecure. But guess what? We can’t tell, and we treat them like how we perceive them physically.
When you assume powerful body language, you speak more loudly and project better. Exaggerate your facial expressions. Use bigger and more powerful gestures. Smile confidently and engage others. These are the hallmarks of acting socially fluent, and your mind will believe the physical reality that you’ve created for yourself.
This might be the most empowering proposition in this book, and that’s saying a lot.
If you feel defeated or small inside, you can simply physically project the opposite and change your reality. Studies have shown that simply smiling more can improve people’s moods exponentially, so imagine how just making the choice to act can help you.
At the most basic levels, our brains are slaves to our bodies. This is why so many of our daily decisions defy logic and can even be detrimental for us. However, we can bend it to our advantage in gaining social fluency by forcing the mind to accept certain realities that we physically project for ourselves.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen. The more you go through the motions of social fluency and make the choice to do it, the more you can achieve and alter your internal mental state.
You might not even realize that it’s happening until you’re suddenly at a party socializing without a care in the world and think “I would not have been able to do this a month ago…!”
The more you practice, the better you get at it, and the better you will be able to feel about yourself on command.
