One common feeling is that you are broken. That other people seem to have an easier time with life, and only you are the only one having problems. You may remember a time in school when you had to give a speech. It seemed like everybody else was having little or no difficulty while you were a nervous wreck! What’s wrong with you? Well, nothing! Remember the last chapter, where we talked about the four quadrants, and how easy it is to self-sabotage when you don’t understand any of them? Well, that’s just the beginning of our common human dysfunction. The truth is the very few people are happy and well-adjusted. Everybody has secret doubts, fears, and deep feelings of inadequacy. Even some of the richest and most famous people in the world got to where they are simply because they are constantly being driven by a huge fear that if they don’t keep performing, people will finally discover how broken they really are!
Childhood Experience
This is easy to understand when we look at the common childhood experiences. Ever wonder why almost every person in the world nods their head up down for yes and shakes their head back and forth for no? When we are very young and hungry, we open our mouths. If we are lucky, we get some milk, either from a bottle or naturally. The first time we think the thought “no,” the only thing we are strong enough to do is turn our heads sideways. This is why all people from all cultures (except one or two) associate turning our heads to the side with the feeling of “no.” All of our emotions stem from the same common experience.
Rejection, social attention, disapproval, all stem from the same childhood experience. What is that experience? Once upon a time, you were a little baby. You didn’t know any words. You could barely see. All you knew were vague sounds and shapes and smells. When you had discomfort, you cried out. And that discomfort was taken away. So far so good, right? But then something strange started happening. Sometimes you cried out, and that discomfort (hunger, loneliness, gas, etc.) wasn’t taken away right away. Maybe your mother was busy or sleeping. Who knows? Remember that cause-effect generator in our brains? Scientists have done experiments, and they’ve found that in children as young as six months old. That means after six months old, when you cried out, and nobody came right away, you HAD to come up with a reason.
You were too young to simply evaluate the situation logically. What caused the “effect” of waiting? YOU! Sometimes when an adult came to pick you up, they were happy to help, concerned, and they came quickly. Other times they took a while, and they may have been angry. So what does your six-month-old do with this information? Sometimes when you cry for help somebody happy comes right away. Sometimes when you cry for help somebody angry comes later on. This cause-effect generator created an association between expressing a need or a want or a desire with not knowing if help was going to come right away, or help was going to come later on with an angry face. No wonder we are all anxious about expressing ourselves!
Why Everyone Fears Rejection
Every single person on Earth has this memory of not having somebody come right away, unless they are maybe a prince or princess, and have had a full-time staff of helpers to make sure they were always taken good care of. Which means every single person that you see out on the street, in bookstores, in the grocery stores, has a deep fear of rejection. Everybody is worried about asking for what they want, and getting shot down. Everybody is worried about asking the waiter for more water, and getting shot down, if only by a very small amount. Every time everybody has a need, and then turns that need into an expression of want, there is always a fear, sometimes small, sometimes huge, of getting rejected, or getting an angry face instead of a happy face.
Why Everyone Feels Social Anxiety
Everybody feels social anxiety as well, just on a different scale. Sure, some people are lucky enough to have enough positive experiences so they can pretty much not worry about that tiny voice that is worried, but most people aren’t going to feel one hundred percent comfortable when they are suddenly on the spot in a social situation. Everybody is going to retreat, just a little bit if they suddenly find themselves at the center of attention.
Why Everyone is Afraid to Talk to Strangers
Very few people are not, at least, a little bit worried about talking to strangers. Most people don’t think it’s normal to walk up to strangers all day long and start conversations. Most people feel completely different in an elevator with their best friends than they would in an elevator with complete strangers. Nobody feels more comfortable around strangers than they do their friends.
So if you think you are different, if you think you are broken, you are not. You have fears and anxiety that are shared by every living person on planet Earth. You want things that you are afraid to go after just like every other living person on Earth. You have doubts just like every other living person on Earth. You are not alone. This is not to make you feel bad. This is to help you remember that whoever you are talking to, for whatever reason, was once a little baby that cried, and thought the world was ending when nobody came to pick them up right away. Keep that in mind next time you think that you’re the only person around who is afraid. Instead, consider the ever-present fears in all those around you. Approach them with this in mind, and you may find it much easier to talk to people. Socially, romantically, or for business reasons.
Exercises
Take some time once a week where you can sit, and people watch. Find a few people that you would be terrified to approach and start a conversation with. Then imagine them, starting as a baby, as a child in school, as a young adult, in situations where they are terrified of rejection. Don’t do this to put them down, do this with through a lens of compassion.
