We can’t talk about the meaning of life unless we understand what we “mean” when we say “meaning.” Previously, we talked about the cause- effect generator that is pre-programmed into our brains. This also serves as a meaning generator. However, the only way to only really know for sure whether or not something means something else is to do exhaustive experimental research. For most anything in our daily lives, this is simply impossible. Yet many things seem to mean things, and when somebody suggests an alternative meaning, it sounds ridiculous. For example, you see an attractive person on the street, you smile, and they ignore you. What does this interaction “mean?”
Most people would automatically assume that it “means” they aren’t interested in you. It sure feels that way. Keep in mind, though that many of our automatic feelings are generated by our instincts that still think we are living in an ancient environment that is very dangerous. That means that the meaning we come up with is always going to default to one that serves to protect us. If we assumed that every time somebody ignored us, that meant they were in love with us, we may do some foolish things.
Meaning Is Flexible
Meaning is very subjective. On one side of the spectrum, you have people that are super skeptics and demand absolute proof before taking action. They see much more danger than most people and need to see absolute proof of safety before doing anything out of the ordinary. On the other end of the spectrum are people who go to the zoo and imagine that the tigers would like them to jump into the cage and have a conversation. These people believe everything is safe, and danger doesn’t exist at all. Who decides which meaning is correct? You do! When you smiled at that person on the street, it could mean you reminded them of some person that just broke up with. Or it could mean that you remind them of their boss, and they’re taking a day off work. The truth is that you will never know what things like that really mean, so you may as well make up a meaning that helps you rather than makes you feel awful. This is something you will need to practice. It’s not like flipping a magic switch in your head. Think of it like an acquired taste. Some things don’t taste very good at first but are very healthy. If you continue to eat them, they’ll start tasting better and better. Assuming something neutral, or even something positive, rather than something negative is kind of like learning to eat something healthy. It’s not so easy in the short term, but in the long term, it makes life a lot better.
Whoever Controls the Meaning Controls the Conversation
Being able to play with meaning really becomes a useful skill when you are in a conversation with somebody else. Another way to say the “meaning of a situation” is the “Frame.” Whenever you have two people talking, each one is going to be subconsciously trying to “outframe” the other person. Everybody does this on some level. Especially if the person you are talking to is a stranger. The reason for this is that on a deep level, due to our ancient past, we all want to increase, or at least maintain, our social status. So when we meet somebody for the first time, on one level we are having a regular, friendly conversation. But on another level, we are trying to see which one of us has the stronger frame. Whoever controls the frame of the conversation, regardless of the content, will control the outcome. Imagine a strong willed shopper talking to a salesperson with not very much willpower. Imagine the opposite. If you are not really sure if you want to buy something, and you meet a salesperson that is very charismatic, outgoing and really believes his or her product is the greatest thing in the world, you’ll likely buy it. On the other hand, if you are absolutely sure that you do not want to buy something, and you meet a salesperson who isn’t very confident, there’s no way you’ll make a purchase.
Frame Basics
Whenever there is a conversation going on between two people, there’s a lot going on. One is the actual content of the conversation, the thing you are talking about. Second is what you want to have happen at the end of the conversation, or you intention. Third is the other person’s intention. Fourth is how strongly you are holding to your intention, and fifth is how strongly they are holding to their intention. If you’re talking to your friends, both intentions are generally the same, such as having a good time and enjoying an event. However, if there is any kind of persuasion going on, each person is likely going to have a different intention. One person may think they are getting a phone number while the other person thinks they are getting a free drink. One person may think they are getting information about a product while the other person fully expects to make a sale. A guy may want to go to third base while the girl he’s with may only want to go to first base.
Different Context of Meaning
The Frame of any situation can change based on my different contexts. One is time. A meeting with somebody today will have a much different meaning when you think about it one year from now. Maybe you ask somebody out and get rejected. At the time, the frame is one of rejection, or not getting what you wanted. However, if you meet your significant other two weeks later, that initial conversation may be reframed as good thing later on, rather than a bad thing when it originally happened.
Also, if you have solid goals that are a year or so out, it’s much easier to reframe events in your favor. For example, if you decided to try and do ten pushups and can only do five, then you may see this as a failure and feel discouraged. On the other hand, if you have a solid fitness goal that you are intending to achieve within a year’s time, doing five pushups may be a great start.
Exercises
At the end of the day, think of an event that didn’t go as you’d hoped. Carefully consider the following questions and take some time writing out your answers.
What happened?
What does it mean?
What else could it mean?
What might it mean when you recall it a year from now?
What might it mean in light of a bigger, more clearly defined goal? (What did you learn?)
