Regardless of who you are and what you will accomplish during your life, having a strong set of social skills will make everything easier. People make everything worthwhile. We humans are social animals. In prison, the worst way they can punish somebody is to keep them apart from other people. Study after study has shown the importance of having strong social bonds. It stands to reason then that consciously developing a strong set of social skills will make your life much more rewarding. Keep in mind that with all skills, we first need to define them and then we need to understand how to measure them so that we can consistently improve them. Also, keep in mind that these are only recommendations. You may have your own ideas of what having strong social skills means to you. So long as you define them objectively, and come up with a way to measure them so you can improve on them, you’ll be in good shape.
Body Language
Studies indicate that only seven percent of the message we convey to others is through the words we use. Our tone of voice and body language account for a great deal of our message. Being aware of your own body language as well as being able to accurately interpret the body language of others is a very useful skill to have. Body language experts can watch a videotape of somebody speaking, and even without listening to the volume, they know if they are lying or telling the truth, relaxed or nervous, open or closed off. This is fairly easy to do. Think of the person’s arms and legs as potential shields. If they are crossed, and covering up dangerous areas (chest, groin, and throat) they are closed off and nervous. This could be because they are lying, or it could be for another reason. Generally speaking, when people are holding their arms or legs in front of them protectively, they aren’t open. The opposite is also true. When they are exposing their vulnerable areas, they are open to you and trust you. Also, be aware of how you are projecting your own body language.
Matching and Mirroring
If you’d like to get somebody to open up to you, first match their body language. However, it is. Then slowly move your own body language to an open position. If they follow you, meaning they slowly move their body language to match yours, then you are doing a good job.
Being Open and Friendly
If you go into any social situation, it generally a better idea to project an image of being open and friendly rather than unfriendly or closed off. Even if you are going to approach other people, chances are when you approach, they’ve already seen you. Which means if you are standing around projecting a nervous and closed off energy, and then approach somebody, it may not go as well as you’d hoped. They may have already come up with an idea about you before talking to you. On the other hand, if you are projecting a pleasant and open stance, then when you approach they’ll be more likely to be glad to talk to you since they’ve already judged you (consciously or unconsciously) as a friendly person.
Eye Contact
Being able to hold eye contact with somebody demonstrates self-confidence. Being able to hold eye contact with somebody and smiling at them demonstrates both self-confidence and kindness. This is something that is very easy to practice and measure. Simply count the number of people with whom you made eye contact with on a daily basis. Give yourself one point if you can hold eye contact longer than they can. Give yourself two points if you hold eye contact and smile. Give yourself three points if you hold eye contact, smile, and they smile back. Keep a daily tally of your points, and always try to slowly improve your points over time. The idea is to get to the point where you naturally make eye contact with and smile at people you are interested in.
Feeling Comfortable in Crowds
This is the ultimate goal of practicing social skills. To go somewhere like a party, social gathering or even a bar, and feel completely at home and natural. Even if you don’t intend to start a conversation with somebody, projecting a kind and self-confident image will increase the chances that somebody else will start a conversation with you. But the real secret of feeling comfortable and self-confident in crowds is being OK with not ever talking to anybody. Just to enjoy yourself and enjoy the energy of the crowd. A great way to practice this is to simply go places once a week or so and people watch. Just enjoy the social buzz, and watch people enjoying themselves.
Exercises
- Body Language
How to Measure
Take some time every week and people watch. Look at couples that are sitting in restaurants, coffee shops and bookstores. Notice the people that are in deep rapport, that are matching each other’s body language and are open. Notice the people that are either closed off or mismatching each other’s body language. Pay attention to your own body language within conversations with friends, family and colleagues.
- How to Practice
The idea is to first notice somebody’s body language, and then to mirror and match it. Then to see if they follow you when you slowly change your body language. Give yourself one point every time you remember to check yours and their body language. Give yourself two points every time you remember to mirror theirs. Give yourself three points every time they follow you.
Being Open and Friendly
- How to Practice
Always remember to be approachable in social settings. Don’t cross your arms or put them in your pockets. Face the crowd rather than turn away. Get in the habit of smiling whenever possible. Finding something genuinely interesting that makes you smile naturally. See it as a social treasure hunt.
- How to Measure
Give yourself one point every time you consciously remember to be open when in social situations. Give yourself two points when you actively look for something interesting. Give yourself three points when you find something interesting and naturally smile without thinking.
